Monday Tips about Mother’s Guilt…

As well as being a “blogging mummy”, I am primarily a Life Coach for Mums. You can check my website at www.perfectlyhappy.co.uk. So as more of you are starting to read this blog I have decided to include coaching tips designed to help you with some areas of your life. So every Monday I will post new tips on different topics and don’t hesitate to participate and tell me what you think!

So here you go, for this first one, we are going to talk about Mother’s guilt… That nasty feeling that most mothers feel at least once in their life… That is a mummy’s thing! It seems that we are programmed to feel guilty and it develops even more as our tummy grows bigger during the pregnancy.

I regularly feel guilty myself and why? Because our society has develop some sort of rules that make us feel like this.

Take this for example: I decided not to breastfeed. It was my choice. I have always had a difficult relationship with my breasts and the idea of breastfeeding was unbearable to me! Maybe a good therapy would have sorted it, but I decided to follow my gut feeling. You won’t believe the looks I got and still get when I say “I did not want to breastfeed”. It was almost like saying I don’t love my baby. And god knows I much I love those 2 precious boys I carried and gave birth to. I have been very good during both my pregnancies; I ate all the right things, looked after myself, prepared as much as I could reading lots of books about children and birth. I just didn’t want to breastfeed!!

In hospital I was almost forced by my midwife, who grabbed my boob as if it was everyone’s property. She is lucky to still be alive, because after 48h of labour I could have easily killed her! I was very confident about my choices. I knew that if I let anyone push me into doing something I didn’t want to, I would have been very unhappy and what about my baby then? He would have had a hard time because I wouldn’t have been as relaxed.

Of course, I will never ever say that breastfeeding is useless, so don’t bother. I do believe that breastfeeding is best for babies and if you are happy to and can do it, then by any means do.  But I also believe that you can survive and be a really healthy and balanced individual having been raised on formula.

Am I feeling guilty about it? Not anymore. I did at first and for a little while after, but I thought to myself, my children are in good health growing really well, rarely ill and very strong, so why would I need to feel guilty.

I am not talking just about breastfeeding here, but I am talking about all the other things that trigger Mother’s guilt. This is one example, but there are so many others.

Some mothers want to have a career and have children. Society makes it hard for these mothers too. Returning to work after a baby often means either working damn hard to prove you can do it, or accepting the fact that the promotion that was going, won’t be for you because you are quite likely to take a few days off for the school nativity play and to nurse a couple of colds. Having a baby doesn’t mean losing your brain. Unfortunately it often means working doubly hard to be good at everything.

Take the Stay at Home mums for example. They too get that mother’s guilt. They spend all day all week with their children and if they decide to take some time off using childcare, they have to find a pretty good reason, so they can sound like they are still responsible mums.

Here are a few tips to get rid of that guilt feeling:

• Remember that we are all individuals with different needs. What is good for someone might not be good for you. Take time to think about what you believe is right for you and your family and avoid letting people making you feel it is wrong. It is right as long as you take into consideration the wellbeing of your children, your partner’s needs and what makes you happy.
• Think of all the positive you bring into your family life. Don’t just spend time looking at what you don’t do enough of, what you could be doing more. Look at all the great things you do and share with your family. Make a list if it helps. Keep that list close to you at all time and if you feel bad about something one day, read your list.
• Avoid people who bring you down because they don’t agree with you. We are all entitled to have an opinion and so are they, but there is no need making others feel bad because we don’t agree. My rule is: if it doesn’t have a negative impact on your life or it isn’t putting anyone in danger, physical or moral, then get on with your life and accept that we are all different.
• Last but not least, take some time just for you! Some of you might want to sit down and read a book for a couple of hours a week, some others might want to go to the gym. Anything you do for you and to make yourself happy will in repercussion be good for your family.

I leave it now open for you to share your guilt stories or what you think on the subject!