Is it right or wrong to love your children more than your partner?

A week ago or so, I stumbled upon this post written by the Mummy Whisperer and here is the comment I made:

That’s a very interesting and yet very tricky question…
I have to say that when I read the title of your post I wasn’t expecting the content to be mainly on co/Independence, because to me this is not so related. But that’s a good point you raised.
To me you see, loving someone so hard that you would die or kill for them doesn’t mean that you become completely dependent.
For example my children are the most precious people in my life. The love I feel and have discovered for them is so big that it physically hurts when I imagine that the worst could happen to them. However being a very independent person myself, I am trying to juggle between giving them their own space as well as keeping my own to myself and my husband, but at the same time I make myself always available for when they need to come to me for anything, from primary needs to comfort. It seems to work really well with my children.
I am the same with my husband. The same as for my children, if anything had to happen to him, I would probably crumble to the ground and it would probably mean that I would never be able to love anyone else. I am hoping and praying to never have to be in this situation. But talking about dependence, I can’t say I am dependent on him in everyday situation but I depend on the love he gives me and the confidence he brings out of me. This is a very hard to describe feeling.
I witnessed this situation of dependence between my parents when I was growing up and when they divorced after 28 year of marriage, my mum was left very sad and lonely, with no interests in anything. This is something I have always rejected and I guess this is at the back of my mind in my own relationship. I want my children to feel their mum can sort herself out if she ends up on her own and that they can go and live their own life without worrying about me.
Talking about love, I would say I do love my children and husband with the same intensity, but a different love. I hope I make sense
Thanks for this post and sorry for such a long comment!

Comment by Perfectly Happy Mum —

I have to say that this post got me thinking for a long time and the proof is that I am still thinking about it now.

If we put aside the notion of codependency, is it possible to love your partner more than your own children? I personally can’t imagine it myself. I believe that the love you have for your own children is completely different to the one you have for your partner.

I believe that the love we have for our children is part of our animal instinct. Look in the wild and observe. Look at how natural it is for animals to protect their brood. There is no hesitation to kill whoever decides to come close. There is a deep connection between our children and ourselves and nothing can go against that.
Of course I am not talking of people who have got mental issues and can sit happily watching their child, or any child, suffer. This to me is impossible to conceive and even more now that I have children of my own. How can you not love your children? but that’s another subject.

How can you love anyone more than your own children? I know that some people do feel they would be more hurt losing their husband rather than their own child but I find it very hard to even imagine. So why is it?

My husband and I are what some people call soul mate. We met and we instantly knew it was right. As well as being incredibly attracted to each other we quickly became best friends. You know when they say “I met him and I knew he was the one”? well this was exactly that.

The love I feel for him is a love on equal terms. We are both adults and we could exist without the other. We can provide for ourselves. We can fulfill our own basic needs so I guess that this is where the difference lay. Children are completely reliable on us until they are able to fly the nest and live their own life so I suppose one part of the attachment is due to our nature of nurturing parent. But once they have flown the nest and don’t need us anymore do we love them less? Of course not.

The only thing I can think of is that like I said in my comment: I do love them all with the same intensity but differently.
If this meant that I had to choose then I would choose my children a million times, and be broken hearted a million times…

Your comments are more than welcome and noone will have a judgement, so please let me know your views. Thank you!