Right before we go on and you lapidate me for what I have just said, let me explain what I mean by this.
You see, since the birth of Victor I have analysed and tried to understand the feelings I have. It has been months or shall I say from the moment I got pregnant with Victor that I have felt guilty for feeling this way.
When these 2 precious lines appeared I felt the same amount of joy and excitement than the first time, only to realise days later that it wasn't the first time. I had to realise that it wasn't my pregnancy with Elliott all over again, I was expecting ANOTHER baby! That's when this terrible feeling hit me. I could not imagine giving so much love to another baby and in consequence if I had to share the love I was giving to Elliott, I was splitting bits away from him. It felt like a terrible betrayal. How could I betray him?
It tortured me for months during my pregnancy. I raised it with my Midwife who thought it was just a phase. And she was right, it was just a phase. It became better. Lots of other women before me were doing it and they still loved all their kids "the same way" or "as much as the others". If they could do it, I could do it.
Then when Victor was born the guilt came back. Through that gorgeous little baby I wanted to relive the excitement and joy I felt when Elliott was born. When we came home from hospital, all I wanted to make sure was that Elliott felt that I loved him as much as I had always loved him. Yes there was a baby that I loved with all my heart. Yes I gave him all the attention he needed. I just had to make sure Elliott knew nothing had changed. But things had changed and I couldn't put words on it. Victor had me physically with food, cuddles and kisses, but he didn't have the whole of me emotionally. That's when I started worrying.
Months went by and I meant to write about it for a long time now, but I wasn't ready for it. I wasn't ready to admit that my love for both my children is "different". I couldn't admit it, because there was one more thing I had to admit first: my love was different but it was as intense for both. That's the intensity of this love that I needed to make sure was there. And it is. Oh yes it is! Explaining this is hard, but it is definitely as profound and intense.
It took me over a year to admit one thing to myself and it is that loving your children the same way can be a myth. Children are individuals with all that it entails. They have a personality, moods, things they love and things they don't. Being individuals they have individual needs and passion so it means that they are different.
Therefore is it bad that in response to that parents have got a different sort of love? I don't think so. I think it is human and natural.
As parents we too have moods, tastes and needs. Our role as adults is to act as adults. We need to acknowledge the fact that they are different and they need to be treated differently in certain circumstances. Some children are more trying than others and some other are more emotional.
When I was growing up, my sister and I were totally different. I was the quiet one. The one who would take "no" for an answer and she wouldn't. She was the queen of tantrums. The result of that was that I didn't get and she did. My parents wanted peace so to keep her quiet they would give her everything. With me it was easy to say no, I would go to my room and sulk, nothing more.
Later on my mother admitted that she had always felt closer to me. She always had a preference for me and felt guilty for this so compensated for this by giving my sister all that she was asking for. The fact is that she would have given her life for both of us, but she had days when she couldn't deal with my sister. Since then things have changed and they are really close. And of course I do not want to reproduce this as I know how much it can hurt.
Through this and my personal experience as a mum I have learned one thing: it is important to remain as fair as possible in every circumstances, but it is ok to admit that we have days when one of our child is "our favourite" over the other one. Not that we would show it or be unfair, but that we feel closer to one on a particular occasion is not that bad, is it? As long as the same one is not the "favourite" all the time to the detriment of the other, then I think it is ok. Don't you think?
Now that Victor is mobile and started showing his own little personality my love grows stronger everyday and for both of them. I know now that I loved him deeply from the very first day, but the attention I had to pay to Elliott sort of shadowed it a little bit. Now all seems to have fallen into the right places, and it is making me very happy.
I am happy because I didn't have to share my love, I doubled it instead!
How about you? did you go through that, or on the opposite didn't feel any of these feelings at all?
Photo credit Paul Moody
Eye test
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I definitely love all my children differently, on different days and for different reasons. When I brought my second child home from hospital, I found it hard to love my first as much. She seemed so big and her behaviour so deliberate, whereas the baby was helpless and innocent. This has changed of course, and my second child can be very difficult as can his sister and younger brother. My youngest will always be my cheeky chappy who is prone to getting away with murder, and I worry that I expect too much of my eldest, so she’s always having to earn my approval. But mother nature’s wonderful, because whatever they do, and however we feel, we still love them all very much.
I definitely love all my children differently, on different days and for different reasons. When I brought my second child home from hospital, I found it hard to love my first as much. She seemed so big and her behaviour so deliberate, whereas the baby was helpless and innocent. This has changed of course, and my second child can be very difficult as can his sister and younger brother. My youngest will always be my cheeky chappy who is prone to getting away with murder, and I worry that I expect too much of my eldest, so she’s always having to earn my approval. But mother nature’s wonderful, because whatever they do, and however we feel, we still love them all very much.
What a truthful and raw piece of writing. I don’t see how anybody can love their kids the same because they have good days and bad days and some personality traits we love and some that drive us mad. I love my son for his sense of fun, his adorable eyes and his love of life but he’s naughty, sometimes insensitive and loud. I love my daughter for her gentle and kind nature, her spirit and the way she always wants a cuddle but answering back makes me want to drive off Beachy Head in a very fast car. Great piece Peggy and I look forward to reading more x
What a truthful and raw piece of writing. I don’t see how anybody can love their kids the same because they have good days and bad days and some personality traits we love and some that drive us mad. I love my son for his sense of fun, his adorable eyes and his love of life but he’s naughty, sometimes insensitive and loud. I love my daughter for her gentle and kind nature, her spirit and the way she always wants a cuddle but answering back makes me want to drive off Beachy Head in a very fast car. Great piece Peggy and I look forward to reading more x
I worried too when #2 was on the way. Would I love him as much as his sister? Could I possibly love him as much as his sister? She is after all my little angel. I took some compensation knowing that with one girl and one boy I would make less comparisons and it would be valid to love them differently. I didn’t know how I felt about having a boy either. Now he’s here, in fact he’s nearly 2, and although he’s without doubt more challenging than his sister I love them both the same, yet completely differently at the same time. He’s way more cuddly than his sister ever was and I’m in danger of turning into a “Mummy’s Boy” according to my husband.
I worried too when #2 was on the way. Would I love him as much as his sister? Could I possibly love him as much as his sister? She is after all my little angel. I took some compensation knowing that with one girl and one boy I would make less comparisons and it would be valid to love them differently. I didn’t know how I felt about having a boy either. Now he’s here, in fact he’s nearly 2, and although he’s without doubt more challenging than his sister I love them both the same, yet completely differently at the same time. He’s way more cuddly than his sister ever was and I’m in danger of turning into a “Mummy’s Boy” according to my husband.
Very honest and revealing read. I had much of the panic during my second pregnancy and I realised after having her that there can be a tendency to overcompensate. I was either worrying about the toddler or worrying about the baby and gradually as I found my feet, I found a balance. But they’re individuals and like you say, they’re loved just as much and with the same ferocity, but let’s be real, in being different, we interact differently and the evoke different feelings that whilst being different add up to the same thing – we love our children.
I think also what your post reminded me of is how our own parents sometimes pigeonholed and stylised us into certain roles. My mum told me that I didn’t ‘need’ as much as one of my brothers and so she focused her energy on him. Not even sure how she drew this conclusion but it impacted hugely!
Thanks for sharing and I’ll be making you a regular read.
Very honest and revealing read. I had much of the panic during my second pregnancy and I realised after having her that there can be a tendency to overcompensate. I was either worrying about the toddler or worrying about the baby and gradually as I found my feet, I found a balance. But they’re individuals and like you say, they’re loved just as much and with the same ferocity, but let’s be real, in being different, we interact differently and the evoke different feelings that whilst being different add up to the same thing – we love our children.
I think also what your post reminded me of is how our own parents sometimes pigeonholed and stylised us into certain roles. My mum told me that I didn’t ‘need’ as much as one of my brothers and so she focused her energy on him. Not even sure how she drew this conclusion but it impacted hugely!
Thanks for sharing and I’ll be making you a regular read.
i shared the same guilt with every pregnancy and i’m sure i’ll get a bit wobbly again this time. I love each of my girls in a different way, there are some things that they do individualy that will melt my heart and other things that drive me bonkers. Thank you for writing so honestly, a excellant post as usual xx
i shared the same guilt with every pregnancy and i’m sure i’ll get a bit wobbly again this time. I love each of my girls in a different way, there are some things that they do individualy that will melt my heart and other things that drive me bonkers. Thank you for writing so honestly, a excellant post as usual xx
Wow Peggy, I feel like I’ve looked into your heart. That must have been such a difficult post to write. I think you explained so well how you feel.
I started writing a really long comment about my children, but if you don’t mind I think I would like to write my own post about this. If I do, I’ll link back to this post if that’s okay with you? x
Wow Peggy, I feel like I’ve looked into your heart. That must have been such a difficult post to write. I think you explained so well how you feel.
I started writing a really long comment about my children, but if you don’t mind I think I would like to write my own post about this. If I do, I’ll link back to this post if that’s okay with you? x
My nan has a lovely saying for parents wondering how they will love a 2nd, 3rd, 4th child. You don’t split the love, they bring it with them when they come.
My nan has a lovely saying for parents wondering how they will love a 2nd, 3rd, 4th child. You don’t split the love, they bring it with them when they come.